Hey, Brad, I was reading about your divorce from Angelina again and I can hardly believe that it’s finally done. Even though your official dissolution has taken eight years, I still had hopes that you two might get back together, because when you were together it felt like destiny, like your coupling had a Darwinian inevitability to it. As the sexiest man and sexiest woman alive, of course you couldn’t resist each other, since isn’t that the point of natural selection, that we can’t help ourselves from trying to land the best partner available? And with you and Angelina, isn’t that what happened? 

Your divorce sounded messy and I know how those things can go, but ah… I really thought your place was with Angelina, and that it went beyond lust or love or wants and needs. To me, your relationship was evolution, as natural as gravity, as inevitable as water running downstream. Sure, it took you a while to find each other. Both of you were even married to other people, but you hadn’t met each other yet. You say you were happy with Jennifer Aniston, and while winning the favor of America’s sweetheart is beyond the reach of most men, for you it must’ve been like driving a Porsche at 60 miles per hour; pleasant, but with the feeling that something was missing. 

Was the problem that she had something of the high school cheerleader about her, that kind of fragile, superfluous quality, always seeming on the brink of tears? Maybe I’m only saying that because she reminds me of one of my old girlfriends, a cheerleader herself, who was always a breath away from a good cry, and that’s just not a good trait when looking for a mate. That’s what you had with Angelina: a mate, whereas both of you had very official partners before, but not mates, because with your mate, well, you mate, have offspring, multiply. And you did that. And those kids you had, well, I suppose they’re going to be even more beautiful than the two of you, which is hard to imagine, but sometimes progress is.

Thinking about that old girlfriend I mentioned reminds me of another girl I knew in high school. She was a year younger than me and was tall and dark and had a face that radiated such beauty it cut right through me. It changed my definition of the world to be fundamentally a place where I was not with her. All I wanted was to erase the space between us, but because I was shy and sure I wasn’t good enough for her, all I could do was smile and say a quiet “Hello” when I got the chance. But in my junior year she decided to join the cross-country team, of which I was one of the captains, and I was electrified with the thought of seeing lots more of her and the fact that she could see me run. I thought that maybe I’d win a race and she’d be impressed and things would finally begin between us. It felt like kind of a dream, but I’d always believed that some people get lucky in life, so I figured, why not me for a change? 

Well, all the longing I’d felt for her disappeared the first time I saw her running. She started panting right away, a look of shame and fear shooting from her eyes, like she was being pulled backwards by an invisible rope. And she wasn’t just slow; her legs, which I’d heretofore considered long and lovely, bent themselves into a short, crooked stride, ambling like a mermaid who had just sprouted legs, out of water for the first time, moving on tender feet over sharp, jagged rocks. I’d expected her to be graceful and strong, so I could hardly believe my eyes, and I became immediately uninterested in her, somehow knowing it would be foolish to spend my energy on a girl who couldn’t run. I realized then that she’d be a poor choice for a mate, because with her graceless shuffle she’d have a hard time surviving in the wild. And even if she did survive, our kids would be in jeopardy if they ran like her. I’m not a big guy, so when it comes to fight or flight, I’m going to run. In my gut I knew the ideal woman for me was one who could dash away with me when needed. 

Now I don’t mean to say I was having these exact thoughts about her back then. Before I saw her running, I’d dreamed of getting hold of her at the next school dance and meeting her out at the Taco Bell afterwards. I didn’t want that anymore. I didn’t realize it at the time but it was my instincts, left over from the time when these things mattered. Progress has moved humanity beyond the point of basing our decisions on mere survival because it’s relatively easy for us to survive nowadays. But deep inside it’s still there in our core. We need to survive and not only that, want to have kids that also survive because at the end of a life, that’s really all we can leave behind—DNA, genes, a living, breathing creature that’s half us. Everything else, is well, not the same. 

I think this explains why you and Jennifer didn’t have kids; same as with Angelina and Billy Bob Thornton. Neither of you were willing to give the best of yourself to those partners, knowing if you did so you’d be discounting yourselves, jeopardizing your chances for the future, your immortality. But when Angelina let you know she was willing to play Adam and Eve, well, you must’ve been glad you waited.

Did I just mention Adam and Eve? Well, I’ve always liked thinking about the Garden of Eden, even though I know it’s just a story and six million years ago there were monkeys, not people. Now think about that for a minute—picture a monkey and then picture Angelina. When I do that I say to myself, “Thank God for evolution!” And I’m only using that word “God” out of habit, in the same way I might say, “God dammit” or “Go to hell” or “I’ll be a monkey’s uncle” and, of course, that last one is true. We are all sprung from the sex of those ancient monkeys over the years, which is what I’m getting at when I’m talking about immortality. That’s the only way any of us can really last. Six million years from now (if you’re lucky) some descendant of yours will be sitting around wondering about you in this same way. 

Now technically I know we didn’t evolve from monkeys, but humans and other primates evolved from the same common ancestor. They say that humans and chimpanzees have 99% of the same DNA sequence. Of course, I’m not sure what that means because I’m no scientist and statistics can be misleading. I mean, I recently read that we have 50% of the same DNA sequence as bananas. I also read that there are two types of gorillas, Eastern and Western, and though they seem nearly identical, we have more in common genetically with either of them than they have with each other. Now that blows my mind. 

Are you feeling it too? Well, enjoy it, because that’s something only us humans can experience. All the other creatures on earth, they’re just kind of going along, accepting things but not thinking about them, just surviving, living in the moment.

We weren’t always this way. In the past we had our animal instincts, and very little intelligence. Now all that’s been turned around. How did it happen? Why? That’s the big question the evolutionists can’t agree on. Well, I’ve got a theory, Brad and I’ve decided to share it with you first. Besides mating and helping each other meet survival needs, I’d say throwing ideas each other’s way, helping each other to better understand life, is the most important thing we can do for each other. That’s all I’m trying to do here, Brad. Give you a few things to think about when you’re flying all over the world to make another movie, or canoodle with another supermodel; something to think about between sips of expensive wine, when you look out over the horizon and think about life.

First, isn’t it interesting that we, the most evolved beings on earth, are the only ones that have sex for pleasure? I guess even if that isn’t completely true, no other creature focuses on it like we do, even though I’d guess the sex act, the physical sensations, are probably similar. But because animals don’t have awareness like we do, it’s just another part of their lives, like eating, sleeping, migrating. They do it, but don’t think about it. It might hit the spot like a cool drink of water on a hot day, but when it’s over they move on. Even if they stay together to raise their offspring, the idea of sex is gone. I’m sure humans used to be like that too. But now we seem to think about it all the time, laying out plans to make sure it happens. And what do you think about my theory that our fixation on sex is the answer to that evolutionary question? I mean, doesn’t it seem reasonable that at some point in time our ancestors were struck with the realization that sex felt good, that sex was something they wanted, not needed, but wanted, and once this happened, that our rate of evolution sped up drastically? 

Because once it started, as Darwin explained, it was just a matter of time and mathematics. Those stealing away for the sheer delight of it were having sex more often. If a female got pregnant it was more likely to be a result of one of these escapades, and the babies that were born, well, when they got older, they realized they enjoyed sex too, and so they passed on their genes more often, and this may have gone on for a million years before anyone even realized what was happening. But they figured it out, realized they were different, and at this point left the monkeys to themselves, sexually, socially, eventually not even recognizing them as related. Along the way our ancestors on some level also realized that they were more interested in sex with a more attractive partner, attractive being a sign they were healthy enough to pass that genetic legacy down the generations, and so this was the dawn of beauty and desire and all the complications that come with these things—competition, rejection, reflection. Things kept getting more complex, because that’s the only way it can happen, and so here we are today, the sharpest tacks on the planet, and the whole lot of us sex nuts in one way or another. And don’t you see how this is not just coincidence, an outgrowth of evolution, but the very essence of being human? 

Brad, I don’t know if you’ve read it, but in his autobiography, Darwin said nearly the same when he wrote, “Pleasurable sensations… stimulate the whole system to increase action. Hence it has come to pass that most or all sentient beings have been developed in such a manner through natural selection, that pleasurable sensations serve as their habitual guides.” Still, that doesn’t explain everything, like why some monkeys realized sex felt good, that they wanted more. I suppose that was the real start of it, and I can’t explain how or why that happened, but it certainly did. And it’s kind of nice to think there was only one monkey in the beginning, a randy aberration, a genius of a sort, who for whatever reason had his mind open up to this. Sex feels good, he realized, and he went looking for it, and here we are today. Maybe more than anything else, this underscores the potential of an individual to make a change in the world. And this is our real Adam, wouldn’t you say, the original man from whom we’re all sprung?

Or maybe it was an Eve that came first. That’s possible too. I don’t know enough about women to really know what they really think about sex. I’ve often considered women to be superior to men because they don’t seem to get so caught up in it. Though I suppose your experiences are different, being Brad Pitt and all. I suppose lots of women do think about it when they think about you. I wonder what it feels like to be the object of so much desire. That doesn’t happen for the rest of us, not like it happens for you, which is partly why it feels like a gift sometimes, when someone is interested, when someone says, “Yes.” I wonder if you take the perpetual “Yes” for granted, or if you ever take advantage of it.I don’t think I would, but what do I know? I only life as I have lived it, which is something we can all say, to a point at least, but we can still share ideas, right? Again, that’s all I’m trying to do.

Of course, there are other theories about how and why we’ve evolved. Some focus on our survival instincts, and say it’s all borne out of that. But all animals need to eat, sleep, and stay warm. These needs are universal for humans, chimps, dogs, cats, fish, even plants, I suppose. Sure, we feel these needs in more profound and powerful ways. But that’s a result of our having evolved to the point we’re at, not the reason we have evolved to be as we are. .

Darwin also said that the creation of language was the most important human discovery. But don’t you suppose language was developed as a means to get sex? To talk about sex? Isn’t that what we do with most of our words today? Books are about sex, movies are about sex, television shows, commercials, songs, I could go on and on. Your career is based on your sex appeal. So is Angelina’s. No matter how good you two may be at acting or anything else, sexiness is what we can’t help but pay attention to. And you can argue that most of what a person does in life is geared towards achieving sexual satisfaction, finding a suitable mate, and giving one’s genes a chance to go on and on and on. At least this is true during one’s fertile years, when you look at careers, hobbies, interests, everything people do with their time, there’s almost always some undercurrent of sex swirling about. People care about how they look, how much money they make, how others perceive them. I could go on, but it would just be more old news.

Now I do agree with Darwin that our existence is built on language. Because without words, you can’t have thoughts. Without thoughts, you’re not human. I read somewhere that the development of language came from the development of mouth and throat organs—the lips, the tongue, the throat, et cetera. How do you think we developed these things? Through sex, of course, wiling away hours of life kissing, sucking, biting. Other animals don’t use their mouths for sex like we do, though ironically, sex is one of our only activities that doesn’t require language, where language gets in the way. I’m sure you know that the best sex is when you’re transported to that place beyond words, when you are just an animal. 

Still, don’t you think that the first words ever uttered came when someone was talking about sex, or looking for sex, or maybe even in the midst of carnal pleasures, a simple expression that served as a precursor to, “This really feels good,” or “Baby, I think I’m about to explode.” And I think men have learned to announce their impending ecstasy, not as a means to simply conveying information, but to give his partner a chance to say, “Not yet, you big oaf, I’m not there yet,” because you know how it goes, miss that and you get the cold shoulder, and it lessen your chances for another go. And now maybe I’m talking too much about myself. I guess I don’t know how other guys operate. I also realize I’m basing my theories on my male perspective, but that’s all I know. That’s as far as we’ve evolved, though I suppose someday men and women might actually understand each other more completely. I wonder how that might be. I wonder if the sex will still be as good. I’ve always considered mystery part of the draw, the idea of foreignness, that “other” there with you, sharing something, but also experiencing something different, the old yin and yang, I suppose. It’s probably mostly been socialized into us. I wonder if we’ll lose that someday.

I wonder how much you’ve thought about it, the different experiences people have. I assume a fair amount, because it seems you’re not just full of handsomeness but empathy too, and of course, having some clue as to what’s going on in another person’s mind is another thing that sets humans apart. This has been referred to as Theory-of-Mind, and animals don’t have that, nor do they have our creative imaginations, our curiosity, our complex understanding of Cause-and-Effect. Some evolutionists ignore the body and focus on the mind, but that seems too obvious to me, too late in the game. Of course, we’re smart, we’ve got big brains, but how did we get here? Some would say the big jump forward came with the move from four feet to two. They say this was for defense, or to aid in one’s hunting and gathering. I say it may have provided those benefits, but it makes sense that this too goes back to sex, more specifically wanting to keep one’s hands clean and soft. I mean, can you imagine, instead of your soft, tender hands, running your big, calloused feet all over Angelina’s body? It wouldn’t have been quite the same, would it? Not even close. And you know how it is when you’ve had your hands on someone, wrapped around her hips, up and down her torso, and that sweet, warm feeling kind of lingers on you? The last thing you’d want to do after experiencing delight like that is walk on those hands, and I can imagine one of our forefathers, as it were, standing up after a particularly good roll in the leaves and just walking away, looking down at his hands, breathing in the fresh air, feeling on top of the world, with the buoyant, uncluttered mind you can only feel after losing yourself in the body of another, and well, he just didn’t want go back down on all fours and break that spell, and don’t you see how that would gain momentum too? Those with the softer, more nimble hands could meet more of each other’s needs, they’d be more interested in the rubs and caresses of foreplay, more adept at the delicate maneuverings of making love. Satisfaction leads to more opportunities. More opportunities lead to more babies. And so there you have it: evolution.

But this is all in the past, right? I suppose you want me to get back to talking about you. I understand; we’re all narcissistic to some degree. Selfishness is part of Natural Selection, as you often have to select what’s best for yourself. At one time it was required for survival. Now it isn’t so much, but many people haven’t figured that out yet. They will though, I know they will, and moreover, I think you might be one of the models future generations look back to and say, this is one of the people that figured it out finally, that woke up to what it meant to be a human being. I’m not talking about your good looks but your generosity, your altruistic activities. Sure, you may have had too much to drink at times, but I can’t begin to list all the good you and Angelina did with your time and money—helping children, the homeless, the hungry, the environment, fighting against cancer, AIDS, war. I don’t want to put too much pressure on you, Brad, but if you keep doing good things, the right things, you could be Exhibit A in the progression of the new, improved human being.

Of course, maybe being successful, having millions of dollars, crawling into bed each night with the sexiest woman on the planet (and I suppose subsequent replacements afterwards), has made it easier for you to be generous. I’m not making excuses for myself for not measuring up, I’m just thinking out loud here. And I wonder what Darwin would have said if he had gotten a look at you and Angelina. I wonder if he had something like you two in mind when he was scribbling his Origin of Species. If he saw you, for example, in Mr. and Mrs. Smith, when you first met and were both at the height of your sexiness, I’m sure he’d be glad to know his theories had been proven correct, though he’d probably spend most of his time soaking the two of you in. Maybe he would have felt a little jealous that you ended up with Angelina instead of him. Of course, pain and frustration also lead to new thoughts and ideas, and so that’s another part of being human, another thing that helps us evolve, but I don’t think I’m going to get any deeper into that right now. I’ve given you enough to think about for one day, and I suppose you’re busy—making a movie, or texting some supermodel, or checking in on George Clooney. Or maybe you’re off somewhere working quietly and humbly for another cause, making the world a better place. Maybe you’re just having some quiet time and right now you are thinking to yourself, wow, I didn’t think I’d be thinking about all of this when I woke up today. No need to thank me, Brad. It’s been my pleasure. And as far as I’m concerned, you can do whatever you want. Though I’ve gone on at length about her, I’m not saying I want you to get back with Angelina or even regret the divorce because I know it’s complicated. I just wanted to say I’m glad you two did get together and that it was good while it lasted. It was a momentous occasion for all of us and we’re all better off because of it. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest and let you know what I was thinking. Some good ideas, right? Ah, whatever you think, thanks for reading.